i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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