well I can't set my house on fire every night
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
