remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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