I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
