It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
