Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
