Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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