Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
