you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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