i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
