I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
