its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
