Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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