I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Randomize
