It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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