I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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