She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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