hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
