There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
