tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
