i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
