i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
