Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
