Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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