I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
