she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
as a side note pls kill me
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