Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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