you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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