Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
