you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
