Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
