Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Randomize
