Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
