Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
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