I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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