god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
