I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
