I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
