Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
