Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
