my phone needs a breathalizer
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
