When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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