Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
i think i just lost a toe
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
