Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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