I want to make a zoo with you.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
