i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
