Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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