I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
