my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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