How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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