Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
